Jennifer refuses to
take the stage with her classmates in Chula Vista for Kindergarten graduation. She
clings to her parents. Jennifer’s mother planned a big family party. Alice is
so angry she sends Jennifer to her room as soon as they get home.
“My hands were tied at
that moment, that’s all I could think to do,” says Alice.
Jennifer’s father Albert says,
“It was frustrating. It would turn a
simple situation into a circus.”
Sally,
13, leaves the house late at night. Her parents, Gary and Deidre, of
Clairemont, are afraid. Sally is failing some classes. Her I-Pod and laptop are
broken in a tussle with Gary.
“It was
very negative. We didn’t have much fun
together. I think every day was
stressful,” says Deidre.
It
is easy to call it a “stage”, until it becomes disruptive or unsafe. These
parents began answering four questions.
WHAT DOES THE BEHAVIOR SAY?
Sometimes parents have to be
detectives with their children.
“We noticed there was a fear
inside of her for new things and for being away from her parents,” says Albert.
Sending Jennifer to her room
alone made it worse.
“I realized she was born with these issues,”
says Alice, “And that helped me understand her better, putting myself in her
shoes.”
Sally’s parents could
not set limits and defined her as the problem.
Gary says, “We weren’t able to
correct behavior and what we needed to have happen was lost in this big
emotional mess.”
WHAT DOES THE BEHAVIOR MEAN TO ME?
Parents
check in with themselves. Alice is able
to see the graduation as her own agenda.
“We had expectations for our other children, and we
needed to learn to treat her as an individual,” says Albert of Jennifer.
Gary was left to raise
himself and fears his home falling apart.
“I felt like we were
losing control. We had this girl with lots of potential, and we were spirally,
pretty scary actually.”
WHAT ARE MY EXPECATIONS?
Parents
have a lot of expectations. For their children.
In their heads. They come out as commands, sometimes in anger, most
times in constant reminders that teach children not to listen.
“We
had them but we didn’t spell them out, and especially having family
meetings. And having consequences that
match, that are relevant, that teach and don’t go overboard,” says Deidre.
Greg and Deidre learned
their teenager needed to have a say, to be heard.
Jennifer needed a few
minutes with Alice after school, then she could move on to her list of chores.
“I’ve been trying to
avoid saying no, I’ve been trying to say yes, but not now,” says Alice.
WHAT IS MY ULTIMATE GOAL?
Parents
say, “Just once, let the thing I’m asking be done without debate.” Yes, we take parenting a day at a time, but
it also helps to take the long view. Children do a lot of silly messy unacceptable
things. They need to make mistakes to learn.
They need parents who
are in control… of themselves. When you
“lose it” with your kid, you’ve lost your power.
“The
biggest thing for me was dropping the rope and not extending the argument beyond
her understanding and my ability,” says Gary.
“We also learned that we
didn’t have to consequence right then.
We could come back when everyone was calm and logical,” says Deidre.
Alice and Albert want a
confident daughter. Baby steps. Jennifer no longer hides at the pizza place.
“My mother took the girls to Chuck E. Cheese
and she’s hugging Chuck E. and she’s not afraid of him and she’s smiling and
having fun. She was able to stand up in front of the whole class and sing and
dance,” says Albert, and play soccer, too, after a kiss from Mom.
Fix your mistakes in front of
your child. Focusing on relationship
before behavior lays a foundation for the future.
You
Can’t Fly a Kite Without a String
The string between parent and child is the relationship. Parents make this connection through their commitment and daily care. A parent lets out more string to allow for growth, pulls back to protect from danger. Like the roots of a plant, it takes nurturing to grow. It takes play.
·
Make silly faces with young children. Plan a coffee
date or workout with an older child.
·
Patty cake and massage for young children. A
back rub or manicure for an older child.
·
Read to young children. Tell old family stories
or childhood memories to an older child.
·
Play a board game without rules with a young
child. Do crafts or cook with an older child.
For best results, focus
on eye contact, touch, being with, not teaching. Minutes matter. And, it’s
free.
Facilitating Developmental Attachment
Daniel A. Hughes, Ph.D., 2004, Rowman and Littlefield
Publishers, Inc.
Parenting from the Inside Out
Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., 2004, Jeremy
P. Tarcher/Penquin
The Five Love Languages of Children
Gary Chapman, Ph.D. and Ross Campbell, M.D., 2005,
Northfield Publishing
www.loveandlogic.com
800-338-4065
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