Daniel Siegel calls this “The Dance of Attunement”. The parent leads this dance by responding to
the child’s basic needs which contributes to brain development leading to basic
trust, self esteem, and character. The
child is empowered to make his or her needs known developing a sense of agency
in the infant and a sense of effectiveness and satisfaction in the parent. The child perceives herself to be important
because the adult demonstrates it. The
infant experiences himself subjectively as good or bad depending on the adult
responses. This intersubjectivity means
the parent holds a representation of the child in his or her mind and the
infant holds an image of the parent in his or her mind. Further, this attunement is not just about
feeling, it is about action, what parents do, not what they say. Attachment is developed through experience in
all five senses, the most important of which is touch. In World War II Germany , doctors set up hospitals
to care for orphan children. Despite
professional care the infant lost weight and died for lack of touch. To touch, we would add gaze, smell, taste,
and tone. I note tone of voice because
infants do not understand language early on and re-parenting traumatized
children requires a focus on tone and not on words for communicating.
In the simplest terms, attachment is formed through the
arousal/relaxation cycle. As an organism
and species we have basic needs in order to stay alive. Infants need, at basic, nourishment,
elimination, interaction, soothing, and sleep.
The need causes a physiological discomfort or arousal in the infant that
is usually expressed in crying. While
attachment is directional and driven by the primary caregiver, it is also a
reciprocal relationship. The infant’s
role is to make his or her needs known to the extent possible. When the caregiver reads the child
effectively and meets the need for food, clean diaper, attention, and soothing,
the infant’s biological and psychological responses are relaxation until the
next need appears. Of course, in early
infancy through toddlerhood, the needs are nearly constant. If the primary caregiver is able to meet the
needs in a “good enough” way, healthy or secure attachment forms. As important as consistent care is the way in
which it is delivered. Infants take us
in through all five senses. Our body
language, demeanor, intent and tone are as important to attachment as food and
diapers. The attachment figure brings
comfort in its presence and distress in its absence. The essential ingredients, then, are basic
needs, physical and emotional distress, an expression of discomfort, an
appropriate reading of the arousal, and an adequate response that meets the
needs resulting in relaxation.
This means that “distress” is necessary to secure
attachment. The body, if it is healthy,
has the ability to signal need through discomfort. It is not always the most pleasant
experience, especially for stressed out parents, but we need the baby to
cry. This begins in utero as the fetus
is forming and the womb and the umbilical cord deliver basic needs in the
environment of the mother’s body. We
will talk about pre-birth attachment insults later. But in healthy pregnancy birth it self is the
first major stress of the child’s life.
It is a literal separation from the mother’s body and constant care. According to Daniel Siegel, the infant
experiences birth as a life threatening event.
From this point on the new infant begins to develop coping strategies
around separation from mother. Years
ago, and sometimes still in the case of caesarian births, the infant is removed
from the mother at birth to be cleaned and weighed and cared for by
others. Nowadays, as you can see in the
video from the First Five Years collection, we quickly respond to this distress
and repair this break by bringing the newborn directly into the waiting arms of
the mother. We will come back to this
theme of break and repair as we talk about parenting.
If repeated successful completion of the
arousal/relaxation cycle leads to secure attachment, then frequent
interruptions in the arousal/relaxation cycle lead to compromised
attachment. Instead of breastfeeding or
formula, hunger is met with unsatisfying water, Kool Aid, or nothing. Diapers go unchanged and painful rashes
develop. Medical conditions go
unchecked. The need for attention is met
with anger or ignored. The child who
seeks soothing is on his own if not physically assaulted. Even if the care is adequate, it is delivered
with little commitment or enthusiasm if not down right contempt and
resentment. In any case, the child is
left in a constant state of chronic stress.
This is the kind of psychological and physiological stress that does not
go away.
The
causes and reasons for abuse and neglect are many; lack of education, mental
illness, poverty, substance abuse, and family discord. Often parents manage to meet the needs of
their children despite struggling with mental illness, substance abuse, and
family violence, and do so with determination and support. However, many children come to the attention
of child welfare services investigating abuse and neglect. Some half million children are subject to the
interventions of the U.S. child welfare system.
Parents are offered services to overcome their problems while their
children are in foster care. While the
parent-child relationship is of concern, it is not generally the target of
intervention even though it is the most important measure of child safety, well
being, and permanency.
Children often enter the child welfare system
during the first three years of life interfering with
the development of
attachment. If they enter the system
after the age of three the attachment
pattern has generally already been established. Certainly, many children have developed secure
attachments before their parents are overwhelmed by drugs and conflict. Then, the intervention
of the system itself in the form of multiple caregivers and multiple placements in foster care can
cause compromised attachment. This is in contrast to multiple caregivers among various
cultures.
pattern has generally already been established. Certainly, many children have developed secure
attachments before their parents are overwhelmed by drugs and conflict. Then, the intervention
of the system itself in the form of multiple caregivers and multiple placements in foster care can
cause compromised attachment. This is in contrast to multiple caregivers among various
cultures.
In many families, mothers, grandmothers,
older siblings, aunts and
uncles, and friends of the
family all share in the care of children. The difference between this family style and
foster care is
that the caregivers do not change. Despite wide cultural differences in parenting styles, what
most cultures have in common is that the life of a child is marked by consistent care and routine.
that the caregivers do not change. Despite wide cultural differences in parenting styles, what
most cultures have in common is that the life of a child is marked by consistent care and routine.